The Hound Bites Back

Dear Cesar,

While my human (I don't like to say mistress - nobody owns me), is taking a short break from WKDN, I thought I'd take the chance to write to you. I need your help Cesar - have you seen this? How dare they say Afghan Hounds are the most stupid dogs on the planet? Can a poodle write a blog post? Sadly I have been banned from watching the Dog Whisperer since I knocked over a flat screen TV barking at your handsome companion Daddy (I am after all a sighthound), but I love your work.

My human has tried everything - clickers, saying 'tsk' in an authorative way, even using her calm, assertive energy as you suggest, but I am of course untrainable (I imagine this is why people say we Hounds are stupid). In fact I need a strong man, Cesar, someone I respect - someone who whispers like you.

It's all very well being a writer's dog, but I long to roam free in the mountains with you. I am too beautiful to be ignored (see enclosed photograph), but that is exactly what my human does when she spends all day 'writing' and I lie loyally at her feet just waiting to be noticed. Who cares about her new novel when I need at least two walks a day? I thought all writers' dogs live a life of luxury - where's the steak? and the fluffy VetBed? I'm sick of dry biscuits and all this 'when I get published ...' business. I want comfort, a house on the coast and long runs on the beach now. I deserve to be a Muse, Cesar, to have books written about me - look at dear old What-A-Mess:

My human doesn't understand me. The things I do for her that go unnoticed, or worse that I get punished for. Does she not realise that I am just keeping the armchair warm for her when she is working? That I am only trying to help with the housework when I sneak a lick of the plates in the dishwasher or eat the laundry? She tells me off for shredding loo rolls, when I am simply rehearsing - how much prettier an Afghan would look in the Andrex ads than a dreary old labrador. When she caught me standing on my hind legs drinking from her freshly poured tumbler of iced water yesterday she went ballistic - I was only checking the temperature, Cesar. As for the first edition Harry Potter I stole and ripped up with abandon on a dark and dewy lawn the other night, it was only my way of telling her she should be reading 'Cesar's Way' instead (no need to thank me).

It makes me laugh when you look at the list of so-called 'intelligent' dogs. Were there rock carvings of Border Collies on cave walls 2200BC? I don't think so. We are ancient, proud, hunting and guard dogs, bred to outrun deer and wild cats in the mountains of Afghanistan. And humans expect us to act normally? It makes me laugh when people approach us in town and say 'Is that an Afghan? I had one in the 70s', with a vague, slightly terrified look on their face. We are beautiful, challenging, free spirits - tough luck if humans bought us because we went well with their shag-pile rugs and afghan coats. How do you define intelligence anyway? Tell me this - when a collie herds sheep, or a labrador plunges through gorse to pick up a dead pheasant only to give it to his human, is that intelligent? A sensible dog would eat the thing. Yes, there was that little misunderstanding recently when the pilot had to plunge into a freezing river fully clothed to rescue a lamb I'd chased ... but most of the time I keep myself in check.

Humans are so silly with their ambitions, always thinking of the future. Are we Hounds really so stupid if we enjoy every single day, the simple things like a pronk in the watermeadows or a juicy marrowbone? Yes, there are things I want to achieve in my life - I would like to be on Crufts like my mother and I long to be fondled by Ben Fogle (which Hound doesn't), but beyond that I am happy with my lot. I live each day to the full - is that stupid? I don't think so. Still, if we have managed to persuade humans we are the most stupid dog on the planet, our ruse has worked - and at least we are number one.

Yours - Lola xxx